The Magnolia Has Come Around

In such a way that not I, nor words, can express. Just look. And listen.

No. Words.

"But to say what you want to say, you must create another language and nourish it for years and years with what you have loved, with what you have lost, with what you will never find again." ~George Seferis

Transcendental Tuesday

Shot with my Hipstamatic for iPhone

Look how bright everything is today! Fall is brilliant. Fall is a cache of the year's bounty that transcends seasons. It is a boldly sensual time of year. The brightest orange Begonia blossom I've ever seen sits on the deck table, bursting with its here-I-am-savor-my-succulent-blossom-love-I'll-give-for-as-long-as-I-can-give-in-these-final-holding-on-to-grand-summer-slouching-into-autumn-days Begonia magnanimity.

No, no one can argue this color. 

But why are my photos always crooked? 

Today, I'm working on answering that question and tweaking this blog's pages. I've deleted a couple of pages below the header and added, after much deliberation, an "About Me" page entitled Meet the Suburban Soliloquist. Creative, no?

I am thinking about adding old letters. And postcards. I wonder if anyone kept any of my old letters and how badly composed they may be. I am thinking about changing the header photo for some original artwork. Yet again.

I'm happily in that zone. It's about time, eh? 

Begonia essence, I have read, balances feelings of insecurity, quells the blues, increases body awareness and sensation, and eases fear. It does so by collecting the body's misplaced fragments and fusing them back together—a healing tonic for the heart and soul. I keep sniffing the flower. I think it works.

Steadying the Sloop

http://www.mysticseaport.org

You'd think, given the tingly excitement I felt when I jumped into this affair, I wouldn't neglect or forget you (although, I suppose I didn't think a date, a number, all that significant). June 4th came and went like the front yard's magnolia, a quiet salvo of pale color that tottered off so quickly I barely noticed its blooms. I slept in. I got caught up with Puccini while poaching eggs. I sipped thick tomato juice to quell the reverberating oscillation of June 3rd's mojitos. There was the sun, who had me potting cilantro and lavender. And the breeze, who forced me to take a long walk. The day—the bruit—instigated me with its business.

Lately, each day's been the same—demands keeping me from sailing on an even keel. In truth, there is no keel. It's been yanked from it's hull, sending me spinning against the wind. The sails can't catch their breath. The boom's gone crazy, nearly knocking me off the sloop. It's a vertigo inducing course that's neither rational nor apparent.

To be honest, looking back at those early days with you is a bit embarrassing. I was intimidated. I had no idea what to do with you, which quiet place to rendezvous, where we might be going (had we a future?), or why I was tacking the waters with you. Yet you were a compulsion—an urgent need to fill and to get over XYZ. (Though I couldn't shut up about XYZ—constant blubbering.) Like XYZ ever cared about me! You were the rebound affair—a rescue fantasy—you threw the orange lifesaver at me and I grabbed hold of it, naively believing it would save me from the usual conflict and emotional crises of love affairs. Still, I was aware of the odds: only one-fourth of relationships that begin as affairs succeed. And I was nervous.

But to reduce our liaison to simply a rescue is to dilute the truth. I'd always wanted you. I would have swum across the ocean for you.

Somewhere along the stretch of our evolving relationship I began to feel less jittery, less uncertain, became comfortable with you, slowed things down to a more thoughtful pace, and began to trust you. Trust me. Hey, this might work out after all. It turns out, the affair proved to be more than a fling. But comfort breeds complacency, and I fear I've missed the buoy this time.

So please forgive me, dear blog, and kindly accept this post—my 128^th —as my belated Happy 1^st Anniversary wish to you. And it comes with a present from sweet Cheryl, of The Art of Being Conflicted, who writes of the many matters that keep us at odds. I think, however, that she is funnier than she is conflicted.

Thank you, Cheryl, for this award—perfect timing, don't you think?—and for helping us celebrate the one year anniversary of Suburban Soliloquy. Phew. You know the year's been fortunate when you can happily carry on the dalliance despite the bug smear across the screen. (Don't worry, I'll clean it later.)

They say the first year is the hardest, right?

(Now, if only the waters calmed and I could find my damn keel.)